"Everything is F'ed up straight from the heart, tell me what do you do when it all falls apart."


HuanQing adores me. ADORES. And I tell her, "There's nothing special or good about me."
She associates me with words like strong, independent. Yes, true. Maybe I am. I would rather die than show people I'm weak. And I think girls who cry over guys who dump them are stupid. Then, I remember I was not born with this character.
I used to whine about everything and I wasn't as strong as I am now mentally.

I sat here, and thought about the things after I got off the phone with HuanQing. it was then I realised that I don't really like myself. However, I don't seem to care whether I like myself, neither do I care what people think about me for that matter. And so, I ask myself, "Am I doing what is right, is this what I want? Is this how I want to be?"

And yea.
Unknowingly, I've built an invisible wall around myself, isolating myself with others. I'm still socialising, though. But what everyone knows about me is just the thin layer of oil that I've coated on the walls. Try to get over the wall, fall.
For the record, only 1 has been able to get over the wall and yet, nothing good has come out of it.
So, enough of believing and trusting.




From now on, Kimberlyn is alone, ya?

I'm so fat.
My stomach is like an 'O' shape.
It's poking out!! And I feel so fat. So I'm going to the gym every other day, at least I'll try. (: I want a flat stomach!

I'm going to succeed.

Kimberlyn is in a bad mood.

I'm not feeling comfortable in your presence at all, so I made the wrong choice.
I was feeling bad, confused, irritated at my own stupidness.
I was scolded, and apologised to. Yet I don't feel any happier at all.
I received a message, "Go look at ___ blog. I'm ___."
I went, and I'm frustrated.
I feel bad for him.
I think he doesn't deserves such treatment.
I am who I am and I say what I feel.
I don't want to talk to anyone and I just want to shut up and sleep.
I want to get away from all the problems that I have created for myself.
I think I'm going to let him down.
I shouted at my mother who so kindly bought things for me and yet I shouted at her just because I was not feeling good.
I feel guilty.
I'm confused at what I want and what I'm trying to achieve.
I should just be alone.




I should just live my life alone.

FUCK MYSELF, FUCK IT ALL.

Songs that I'm recently crazy over ;

Speechless - The Veronicas (Actually, the whole album of their's is worth listening except for Mother Mother which sounds like a death ritual to me.)
Unwritten - Natasha Bedingfield
Unfaithful - Rihanna
Sarang In Ga Yo - J and Howl
Me and You - Cassie

Confused about what I want and whether what I'm doing right now is the correct thing to do. Have I made the right choice or am I just being selfish and self-centered? I don't know. I've landed myself in such a situation that is so dumb. I look as though I'm the one controlling, but I'm not.


Right now, I feel like a slut.

Things that made me happy today :

1. My first ever handphone plan! (Ok, maybe that happened yesterday but I'm still happy about it. (:)
2. (censored)
3. SAKAE FEAST!! WOOTS!!
4. I bought The Veronicas' album! <3
5. 22 gathering tomorrow!! I'm looking so forward to it.
6. KIMBERLYN ROCKS.

Kimberlyn is a happy girl because she loves the people around her and the people around her loves her too!

I feel like the bad person now that he keeps telling those, "I'm a better person so why don't you give me a chance." things.
I've told him like 1 million times that it's impossible. He doesn't listen, neither does he want to stop. It's making me feel so bloody guilty.
What's over is over and I have no intentions of going through the whole process of finding my feelings for him all over again. I'm happy I've finally free from that tiring and pressurize life. I thought we would be fine now, friends talking to each other. But fuck it.
So I should not have been so friendly with him.
I should have hated him and ignored him and treated like he doesn't exist.
Obviously I don't want that. So I started talking to him like friends.
But now, I feel so damn guilty. Like I caused him to.. "cannot forget me".


What a great job you did, Kimberlyn. How clever.

Started my work as a telemarketer yesterday. It's so easy money that I still don't quite believe that I've got the job. I shall be happy about this till the da I'd be sacked, becuase till now, I still don't have any appointments for David.

Went to Vivocity again today. Not really much change from the last time I went, just that more shops are opened. Speaking of the newly opened shops, the Adidas shop there is so HUGE. I've never seen such a big Adidas shop before. The Gap there is quite big too. Think I'll do my shopping there after I get my pay. I owe lots of money anyway too. So I'll just have to pay them back first.


I hate the way I'm being hated for being myself. Yea, maybe I'm a bitch to you and YES, I'm a fucking straight forward person. So I hope you'd be straight forward to me too. Please say it in my face if you're not happy with me or if I've done something so wrong to piss you off. I don't like people pretending to like me in front of me and talk behind my back at the same time. I 'm guilty of doing that sometimes too and I'll try not to do it again. So please, don't pretend to like me if you don't. Because I won't appreciate it and would suggest you attempt it again when your acting has improved becuase it sucks.




I'm so tired.
I just want to find a happy boy to make me a happy girl.

I think I'm losing focus. In everything.
And I think I'm desperate in a way. Of course I'll be happy, when this kind of things happen to me. But I can't bring myself to believe it due to my past experiences. It's like, I know what's the worst that can happen and I don't know what's the best that can happen. The only way I can protect myself is to be strong and try to take things easier. I lose it, I lose it. If it stays by my side, I'd be happy no doubt.

I'M A HAPPY GIRL. (:

Chmel's cell group activity thingy was fun! Extreme making over some else is extremly fun and addictive. (:
Well, I'm going for food with them using the $30 Marina Square voucher we won. But I'm not sure whether I'm going to the serivce with them at the Expo. Got to make up my mind soon anyway.

Exam results are back today.
Groangroangroan.
Seriously speaking, I'm so disappointed with my English. I didn't expect myself to fail my comprehension(11/30) and composition(14/30)! I almost DIED. Luckily, I passed my functional writing. Hah! Take that, whoever the teacher that marked my composition.
The thing that pissed me off was my bloody Physics. I mean, who the bloody hell would depend on Physics for an A1!? (Ok, maybe Chmel. She's the.. genius. Even Ms. Liew says she has standard.) I got a fucking 36.
THREE-SIX. Upon 100. Get that right, THIRTY SIX!!
Worse still, while I was going through my Physics paper, feeling pissed enough already, there's this bunch of Sec 4 guys(RC told me it's "Dennis and guys" whatsoever, I don't give a damn.) and they keep going "Puppie, puppie!" from behind the back door of the classroom.
And it's so irritating. PUPPIEPUPPIEPUPPIEPUPPIEPHYSICSPHYSICSPHYSICSTHIRTYSIXTHRITYSIXTHIRTYSIX. What the hell right? Yea, and I kind of like.. push opened the door, and stared at them.
Then I told Peiyi someone's looking for her. Puppie's Peiyi's nickname anyway.
So good of the school to put Physics lesson the last. So I can jolly well take my piss-y home.


Went to watch World Trade Center with Can and Jiamin in the evening anyway. Had to get away from the results thing. Quite nice? But I think people who are easily bored shouldn't watch the show. I have some pictures from today's movie and yesterday's cell group activity.. too bad I can't post them up. My cable's with Jonathan, have to get it back from him somehow. Things would be so much easier for me if he just picked up my call. What a waste of my precious brain cells.

My black pepper seafood spaghetti dinner at Swensen's with the OM guys.

Casan and me in Swensen's.

Alvin looks stupid, duh?

Jiamin and me went to the Toys'R'Us at Vivocity the other day and found some Halloween hats. Had stupid fun out of it.







And went out with cousins and friend today. Freedom like I've never had.

Esther and me at Holland Village.

Wanyin, Weiliang, me.



Lol, I caught her unguarded! (:





The 3 of us posing for the camera.

Following pictures were taken at WalaWala.





What an idiot la. 23 years old and still acting cute.



Artistic picture taken by, none other than the mighty Kimberlyn!

I shall end this photo post with a picture of me an Esther. (:


Had great fun today anyway. Walked the whole Bugis and got "chased out" from the Balcony Bar because of me.

Ok, it's official. THE EXAMS ARE SO BLOODY OVER! Hah! (well, till the next exam comes, which is NOT till next September.)

So, here's my after-exams resolutions :
1. Lose my flabs. My flabby tummy to flabby arms to flabby thighs. 45kg, maybe. Gym, anyone?
2. Find a part-time job that pays well enough for my shopping. (Read 3.)
3. Shop for more clothes and bottoms.
4. Dota like I've never before. (:

I think only Number 3 is going to work out though. Maybe Number 1 too. I'm really into the whole slim down thing now.
I just don't think I'd have the money to go shopping.
Speaking of shopping, I went to Vivocity yesterday. One word : FUCK.
Fucking cool. There are shops that're budget, shops that're taitai, shops that're high class.
Also shops that're for kids, pregnant mummies (can recommend Mrs. Ong there next time), for Ah-Sohs, teengers. Ya da ya da.
They have good food there too. Good fatty food that I'm going to treat it like it doesn't exist.
I just want that $99 black shiny nice pretty sweet comfortable pumps. Sigh.

The Veronicas - When it all falls apart.
I love this song. It invades into your mind unknowingly and soon you would be humming to the tune to the surprise of yourself.

You can turn to me when it all falls apart, my dear.
Just don't make us fall apart.

Maybe the hormones that are responsible for all my angst-y. Pardon me.

I'm not totally sure how to face him anymore.
After I realised what could happen to us. How am I supposed to put in my everything into this now?
Sometimes, I feel insecure. I want to tell him so much, but looking at how stressed you are, feeling the stress in your heart and mind.. I can't bear to add anymore problems to you. Moreover, my insecurity is so minor compared to the problems that you have to solve now.


Moral of the story : Do not get a boyfriend who is popular with girls.

"Prepare for the worst."

Yea, thanks. I will.
But you better not try to make the worst come true.
Let me have a chance to be selfish, please.

LAYER ONE: ON THE OUTSIDE.
Name: Kimberlyn
Birth date: 22 September 1991
Current status: Attatched
Eye colour: Dark brown
Hair colour: Black
Righty or Lefty: Right
Zodiac Sign: Goat

LAYER TWO: ON THE INSIDE.
Your heritage: ???
Your fears: BALLOONS
Your weaknesses: Lazy, tickles
Your perfect pizza: Hawaiian with lots of cheese

LAYER THREE: YESTERDAY, TODAY, TOMORROW.
Your thoughts first waking up: "Huh?"
Your bedtime: Whenever I feel like sleeping
Your most missed memory: My birthday this year

LAYER FOUR: YOUR PICK.
Pepsi or Coke: Coke
McDonald's or Burger King: McDonald's
Single or group dates: Single
Adidas or Nike: Adidas
Lipton tea or Nestea: Lipton tea
Chocolate or vanilla: CHOCOLATE!
Cappuccino or coffee: Cappuccino

LAYER FIVE: DO YOU?
Smoke: No and never will
Curse: Anytime, anywhere
Take a shower: Obviously
Have a crush: Not now
Think you've been in love: Yes, now.
School: Yes.
Want to get married: A few years later, yes
Believe in yourself: Not really
Think you're a health-freak: No way

LAYER SIX: IN THE PAST MONTH.
Drank alcohol: Vodka, red wine, beer and champange
Gone to the mall: Have been going more frequently recently
Been on stage: Yes
Eaten sushi: Love it, yes
Dyed your hair: No and never will

LAYER SEVEN: HAVE YOU EVER?
Played a stripping game: No, it's pointless
Changed who you were to fit in: Used too, now not anymore

LAYER EIGHT
Age you're hoping to be married: 21 - 24

LAYER NINE: IN A GIRL/GUY.
Best eye colour: Brown
Best hair colour: Anything that looks good on him
Short or long hair: Depends, prefer the length between short and long

LAYER TEN: WHAT WERE YOU DOING.
1 minute ago: Doing this lame thing
4.5 hours ago: Standing in the MRT alone, wasting time
1 month ago: Feeling loved
1 year ago: Not sure, mugging for exams maybe

LAYER ELEVEN: FINISH THE SENTENCE.
I love: Jonathan
I feel: Sad and pissed
I hate: Nobody
I hide: My weaker self
I miss: Hugging you
I need: You to stay by me

LAYER TWELVE: TAG 5 PEOPLE.
NUMBER ONE; Huanqing
NUMBER TWO; Chmel
NUMBER THREE; Kaixuan
NUMBER FOUR! ; Yongsheng
NUMBER FIVE! ; Veronica

Twisted and contorted.
I want to scream "What the hell."
I want to run out of the house and lead the life that makes me foul.

Great, just great. My mind, my heart is rotting into this weird person that I don't understand. Not that I understand myself in the first place, it's just that, I don't understand this person I look in the mirror for the past week more.
People always go around saying, "Life is short, you should do what you want to do most."
Yea right, too bad in this living world, there's something called UNDERAGE.
I've been feeling pissed for about a week about the fact that I'm a 15 year old, so called immature girl. NC-16, blah. 18 years and above to go inside, blah. "Oh? 15 only?", blah.
I can handle sexual and violent scenes, I can protect myself by kicking dicks, I am not ONLY 15. I am a 15 year old with a brain.

I'm sick and tired of myself nagging and complaining about myself on the blog every time I post. CHANGE MY LIFE, CHANGE MY LIFE. I want to be FREE!




Oh, and don't force me to be bitchy, because I don't like me bitchy self. Neither would you.

Been feeling positively wild these few days. Can't blame me though, what am I suppose to do and feel during this few "get-used-to-it" days. I know, I know. It's the end. I know. Shut up and stop reminding me.
I want to do something wild, something that I've never done before. Give me a way to feel crazy and lose myself. Let me be wild and have fun. I'm not sure why I'm feeling this way, let's just say I've been enlightened. Hah. The irony of it.
Just face it Kimberlyn. You're hopeless and nobody wants you. Desperate for what is not yours from the beginning. But hey, I'm strong. I ain't crying, duh. I hide my weak self from you, to you I'm cool, I'm strong. Let it stay that way then. I don't want to continue being dependant on you now that our future is as bleak as the possibility of my father allowing me to stay out all night.

Wild. Many things fall in the category of wild. It depends actually. Let's just put it this way, I want to wild of EVERY kind. Yea, that's it.

I want to stay out late and go crazy. Let's say maybe, clubbing. Zouk, MoS, St. James Power Station, One Night Stand, you name it, I want to try it. A no-no for Kimberlyn the Old. Whatever! I'm done with the goody goody moral value stuff, I'm filled with the "unleash-my-power" kind of morals. So now I just have to think of a way to stay out all night, and make myself look older 3 years old. Easy, as if.

I'm going to be a girl. A feat worth 3 wilds from myself.
Definition of a girl : A human being with boobs dressing up all just to look pretty and attractive.
Enough said, I'm going to start adding skirts, more tops, more bras to my wardrobe.

I want to leave the country. Go overseas. Get away from all these bloody oh-so-drama things. Destinations considered currently are : Thailand, Australia, Genting. 100% impossible but I can always dream and try. I don't care who I go with. I just want to go.

I've just got to be wild. I want to be wild. Give me my social life.
Yes, I've changed. And I want to change.
I've had enough.
You seem to be coping well and I seem to be coping well too, the difference? I'm actually not.

Mr. and Mrs. Ong's sweet little baby, Megan. She's sooooo fortunate to share the smae birthday as me! Lucky little cute ass.

*picture taken from www.kaepheng.blogspot.com